If you didn’t notice with the Eddie Murphy-led film, then the remake of “Haunted Mansion” should establish that fair-ground rides (or amusement park attractions) shouldn’t be made into feature films due to the vacuous capacity of its narratives. Although the cast tries its best, and Danny DeVito keeps the momentum going, they can’t out-perform this unfunny horror-comedy’s sluggish direction and pacing.
Disney has always found ways to cash in on their famous theme park attractions — crafting merchandise, cooking food based around the characters, and (most importantly yet frustrating and inconceivable) making film adaptations. The latter offers an amicable fifty-fifty split for the company, as it brings publicity for the studio and the ride itself. They have done it multiple times, and they end up being relatively lackluster projects that don’t serve either the studio or the ride any good. The first example that comes to mind is the “Pirates of the Caribbean” franchise, particularly the Gore Verbinski-helmed trilogy of swash-buckling vacuous misadventures across the sea featuring the Keith Richards impersonator Jack Sparrow. They might be influential to some degree. But they have a lifeless vessel carrying them from one disjointed plot to another.
Fair-Ground Rides as Feature Films? Not an Option.
I can’t be bothered with them. However, I do have to admit that they are a global sensation. There’s even a plan to reboot that franchise with new characters and leading pirates. While these films have nothing going for them, except for some great CGI in the first two pictures, none beat the woes of the Eddie Murphy-led “The Haunted Mansion.” This was yet another vehicle for the comedic actor to flex his box-office magnetism that ended as one of his most disappointing. I think nobody remembers much from that movie. The only things I can think of were some talking tombstones and a glass ball, both of which were promotional McDonalds’ toys. Imagine how forgetful it was that I could remember a marketing product from a fast-food place.
A scene from “Haunted Mansion”. (Photo: Disney).
These are examples of why there’s no need for this. Unless you are a Greta Gerwig-level talent who can transform an IP into a subversive picture with a lot of meat on its bone that everyone can chew on (alongside its ingenuity spine), don’t even try to do so. I guess they didn’t learn their lessons. There’s a new remake of the spooky fair-ground-ride-turned-feature-film “Haunted Mansion” (now having dropped the “The” from its title). And it is almost as bad as its 2003 counterpart.
A Piece of Grief Turned Marketing Campaign for the Disney Ride
“Haunted Mansion” begins at a New Year’s Eve party, where we meet the inspired yet shit (and in the future, severely lonesome) Ben Matthias (LaKeith Stanfield). He’s with some of his co-workers. But Ben has his eyes on a woman who would later be his future wife. He introduces himself to her. The two hit it together quite rapidly. The emotions hint as if they were meant for each other – an astrophysicist and a “ghost location” tour guide. However, this blurry vision of bliss is cut short. The film transports us into the present day, where Ben wastes his hours drinking at a local bar in New Orleans.
Troubled to the brim, the man looks like he’s broken completely. He has no sense of self. Ben now cares for her partner’s business – running the tour guide and looking out for spooky sightings. And with those first few minutes that don’t contain much description or narrative development, “Haunted Mansion” has already told me its entire story from beginning to end. This is going to be yet another horror piece which’s main theme is grief. That isn’t entirely bad by itself. Yet, when it arrives with takes and discourse replicated multiple times, you’d wish something more was at the table.
Nevertheless, Ben gives his daily tour to ghost aficionados to face his partner’s loss, exterminating his grief. But his inability to confront it makes him go down a drunken rabbit hole. He may get another opportunity to brighten his life once more via a mother, Gabbie (Rosario Dawson), and her son, Travis (Chase W. Dillon). They have asked him and a local priest, Father Kent (Owen Wilson), for help with strange and haunting things occurring in their newly bought home.
The Suggestion of a Horror Comedy
At first, Ben doesn’t believe anything will happen to them. He mocks them and scams his way to two thousand dollars. But Ben is dead wrong. He regrets everything he did when he returned to his house. A ghost follows him home and pests him to return to the mansion. These scenes where Ben faces off against a ghostly figure rely on Stanfield’s comedic chops. Of course, he doesn’t channel his “Atlanta” or “Sorry to Bother You” comedic sensibilities. But he adapts to this project’s family-friendly persona with occasionally funny slapstick touches and funny deadpan quips.
The Hatbox Ghost (voiced by Jared Leto) in “Haunted Mansion”. (Photo: Disney).
The scenes in the titular haunted mansion reminded me of “Scooby Doo”, yet without the charm and a talking dog. They walk around in tip-toes around the house to avoid encounters with ghosts and supernatural hijinks with them. I don’t know if this was on purpose. But if it was, it goes to show how uninspired and unimaginative his project is. Another actor I liked seeing in “Haunted Mansion” is the beloved Danny DeVito, who unintentionally channels (to a heavy restraint) his “It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia” character, Frank Reynolds, for his character.
Whether it is a simple grunt, remark, or talking about trash, something reminded me of his scenes in the classic comedy series. Finding these connections was more fun than watching the actual film. The reason why this happens is because of the movie’s background as a Disneyland dark ride. Even if you try your best, this type of film will always be in the confines of its attraction. “Haunted Mansion” is confined within the ride’s scenarios and set-pieces. The film can’t go that far.
Nostalgia Used as Bait
The company forces the people involved to follow its source material’s recipe for promotional purposes. Yet, at the same time, it can’t be an exact replica because most of its audience would rather be on the ride than see this unnecessarily two-hour picture. What Director Justin Simien does here is provide a brief introduction to give the audience the suggestion of a theme so that later on, he can do a step-by-step reproduction of what the ride has to offer right to the queue line. This makes the film lose its sense of purpose immediately. It lets you wonder what other reason this picture has for existing other than monetary.
At the end of the day, “Haunted Mansion” would never be remembered as its own thing. It would be considered a film based on the ride you went on some years ago in your youth. Everything centers around your experiences going on the titular ride and Disneyland. This is ultimately what the company wants. But it doesn’t amount to a proper film hence feeling sucked out of its own life – the cinematic embodiment of a corpse. Even though I despise the “Pirates of the Caribbean” franchise, they try to be their own thing. These films wanted to separate themselves from the famous ride.
In fact, the opposite has happened. The films have garnered such fame that the ride is established around them. In the words of one of my favorite film critics, Mark Kermode, “Haunted Mansion” is, to a frustrating degree, remarkably unremarkable. And that’s an easy express ticket to defunctland, where people waste millions in pictures that accumulate nothing in return. At least you get some nice quality time with Dany DeVito, who got his bag for mainly doing nothing.
“Haunted Mansion” is now playing in theaters worldwide.
