The ‘Turtles’” classic characters are all accounted for here. April O’Neil is now played by Megan Fox, and in this iteration thankfully more an ambitious reporter than just a bad-luck damsel in distress. Splinter is here too, voiced by “Monk” alum Tony Shaloub, but regrettably is one of the weakest links of the movie. He supports a ‘Fu-Manchu’ mustache and is victim of one of the biggest plot discrepancies in the entire movie. Splinter, in legend, was a Ninjitsu warrior who was transformed into a rat. Here is a genetically engineered rat (of course it can’t just be ooze anymore) who teaches himself Ninja from a book he finds in the sewer. Suspension of disbelief is one thing; this is just plain ridiculous.
The turtles, however, are a nice improvement. Graphically, they are a force to be reckoned with, towering over the measly foot-clan and appearing for the first time actual mutants. Their costume design is also inspired, from different style headbands to accessories that individualize them. My favorites here were Donatello’s high-tech goggles or Michelangelo’s seashell necklace. They are voiced by individual actors, the most recognizable Johnny Knoxville, who somehow paints Leonardo in a serious light despite his comic background. Along the way, we get tidbits of backstory of their origins (with painful over-exposition), but also bits and pieces that do something previous TMNT movies did not: here we believe these four actually grew up together.
A plot is introduced, which is so insane it’s probably best not to talk about it. It involves a businessman played by William Fichtner (“Armageddon”) and the shadowed Ninja ‘Shredder’ (Tohoru Masamune) exposing a plan to take over the city. I will not reveal the specifics, but was reminded of early comics of “The Amazing Spider-Man” where a villain wants to take over the world by turning the Florida Everglades into an army of reptile slaves. We’re talking comic book over-the-top here. Most of the movie, Shredder included, is not cloaked in the same kind of intrigue as the turtles. What works for them, doesn’t for the film’s villains or its virtually non-existent plot. The film over-explains all its most intriguing parts, and you get the sense there was a better movie lurking under the surface that the film’s writers simply didn’t bother to find.
Visually the film is splendid, both in its CGI and blending real-life New York City with these mutant caricatures. Yes, the film was produced by Michael Bay, and yes, the camera work is nausea inducing. The action sequences are little more than whip-pans and blurry shapes, but by the movie’s close I was ready to forgive it. Another critic accuses the movie of being uninspired, stating people already know whether or not they will like this film before seeing it. And maybe he’s right. Maybe I’m one of those people. But for the first half of the film I didn’t like it, and then something won me over. Perhaps it was the admitted cheesiness of its action scenes, the comedy the turtles bring to the table (despite criticisms, the four are rather funny, and actually sound like teenagers), or the bond they forged with each other throughout. Fighting ‘Shredder’ atop a skyscraper at the end, it occurred to me that I really cared to see these four crazies survive; and that had nothing to do with its plot, score, or effects, but the chemistry they have together despite being constructed of only CGI and voice-overs.
All-in-all, “Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles” is decent entertainment. It has action, effects, and, in unlikely places, heart. Some might complain that it isn’t deep, or that it has nothing in common with its predecessors. But maybe those are strengths. Maybe shedding its shell for a completely new one was just the way to go. A better story next time, and Platinum Dunes might yet score a hit with these pizza-loving reptiles.
– by Mark Ziobro
