“My Bloody Valentine” is a remake of the 1981 Canadian slasher film of the same name. Directed by Patrick Lussier and based on a story by Stephen Miller, it challenges for the worst movie in the history of mankind.
Originally released in 3D format, I luckily caught the 2D version, which is an upgrade since the entire movie is barely even one dimensional. In fact, the version I saw was disgusting enough – I would be more terrified to run into the ghoulish folks that actually sought out the 3D version.
“My Bloody Valentine” is not a horror movie in any respect to the word. Rather, it’s a straight up, gore-plagued slasher style effort, packed with gratuitous, stomach-turning gruesome images, abhorrent acting, and a surplus of gorgeous girls (though you ought not get too attached with any of them). Movies like “Saw” at least add some chills and an interesting plot, “My Bloody Valentine” offers no attempt at reaching the base rung to the latter of respectability.
The movie takes place in a small town called (what else) Harmony. The opening montage reveals the aftermath of a cave-in in which six local minors were trapped. When the rescue team finally reached them, five of the minors were dead, bludgeoned to death via pickaxe, courtesy of the sole survivor Harry Warden. One year later (on Valentine’s Day) Warden escapes from the hospital in a violent rampage and of course, returns to the mine. There, he continues the carnage by slaying a group of local party goers. Within the first five minutes of the movie, Warden has (for no reason at all) killed more innocent people than a decade’s worth of cancer.
Ten years later, the surviving townies from the party have grown; Axel Palmer (Kerr Smith of Dawson’s Creek) is now the sheriff of Harmony. He is married to the beautiful Sarah (Jaime King) and since that’s not enough, is cheating on her with the also beautiful Megan (Megan Boone). Former teenage trollop Irene (Betsy Rue) has grown into an adult trollop and Tom (Jensen Ackles) whom no one had seen since the killing spree at the party, mysteriously returns to Harmony. At the same time, a man dressed as a minor begins hunting down and massacring the residents of Harmony.
“My Bloody Valentine” is not for the faint of heart or the easily squeamish. All the death scenes are over dramatized and thoroughly played out with no subtlety whatsoever – with each and every tear, gouge, scream, and molecule of blood emphasized to nausea. The Valentine’s aspect is an afterthought to the story – it takes place around Valentine’s Day, oh and of course the killer also tears open the corpses of his victims and removes their heart, other organs, and vats upon vats of blood. Won’t you be mine.
Somehow, I managed to get through the entire thing. Though my lunch remained intact, my faith in the creative process was diminished a bit. Trust me on this, a viewing of “My Bloody Valentine” would be a bloody mistake.
by – Matt Christopher
