No movie genre comes closer to hit or miss standards like horror films. With difficulty achieving a truly great plot like in “The Shining” or “Psycho,” horror films often rely on startling tactics and gruesome imagery in order to achieve their desired effect. More often than not, the expectations fall short and the result is just a terrible movie with bad acting and no discernible plot or point.
The 2004 Simon Fellows flop “Blessed” earns the distinction of being the first flick n’ flunk – a movie reviewing term I recently coined which occurs when a movie is so bad I shut it off midway through and immediately write a scathing review. That honor would be the only one “Blessed” would achieve.
The movie stars Heather Graham as Samantha, and James Purefoy as Craig, a newlywed couple living in New York City. The couple is desperate for a child, though due to Samantha’s infertility they decide to relocate to a new and unfamiliar clinic several hours “upstate.” (As a lifelong resident of New York, I take umbrage in outsider’s assumption that any locale outside of the five boroughs is some ambiguous and mythical place, but I digress).
Samantha quickly becomes impregnated with twins, a joyous occurrence for her and her husband – but are they the offspring of Craig…or the devil himself…?
Yikes.
If Simon Fellows intentions were a slowly plodding, unexciting, dull as dirt movie, he succeeded. “Blessed” features abhorrent acting on all levels, with culprit numero uno being Graham, who comes across as awkward and downright amateur. The jumps and spooks are childish and render the movie not scary at all (save for the fact that all participants cashed paychecks upon its completion.)
And the pace is so slow you feel literally like a pregnant woman going through nine months of cramps and then thirty-six hours of labor pains – and I didn’t even finish it. I cant understand why it takes so long, the audience is expecting some scares not a real time account of a couples vacation “upstate.”
The pope could bless this movie and it would still be terrible. In fact, the only thing blessed was when I decided to shut it off and watch reruns of “Frasier.”
Trust me on this one, “Blessed” isn’t worth a second of your time. Amen.
by – Matt Christopher
