Rosewood Lane (R)

I suppose it’s my own fault for selecting a movie directed by an ex-con (Victor Salva) whose biggest claim to fame in film was the creation of the wretched “Jeepers Creepers” trifecta of trash among others. The 2011 horror/thriller “Rosewood Lane” looked promising in the trailer, but managed to fall short on every single aspect.

The movie begins with the creepy sounds of a dog howling at the moon and we are introduced to the small town of Stillwater, Wherever. Police are swarming a house at the base of the Rosewood Lane cul-de-sac where the homeowner has died after falling down his basement stairs as the result of an apparent accident. One year later, we are taken to a radio station where a prominent psychologist and author is concluding a nightly radio call-in show where listeners seek advice on an array of mental health topics.  Frasier Crane? Not quite. The host of the show is Dr. Sonny Blake (Rose McGowan) who mans the airwaves on the 8 p.m. -midnight shift every weeknight, doling out psychiatric advice to the listeners of the show. While Frasier’s tag line is “I’m Listening,” Sonny employs the more nonsensical phrase, “There are no accidents” – which doesn’t really mean anything, nor does it sound like the type of thing a qualified psychiatrist would say to a patient.

Sonny is in the process of moving back to her childhood home – the house from the beginning – and we learn that she is thedaughter of the man who fell to his death to start the movie.  We also discover the man was an abusive drunk who tormented Sonny her entire childhood and didn’t tell his own neighbors that he had a daughter.  Assisting Sonny in the move is her would-be-suitor, District Attorney Barrett Tanner (Sonny Marinelli).  As Sonny is getting ready for the movers, she strikes up a conversation with the elderly man who lives next door.  The man’s dog starts barking and Sonny looks up to see a mysterious boy sitting motionless on a bicycle watching her.  The old neighbor warns her that that’s the paperboy and not to subscribe to the paper because “You don’t want anything to do with that one.” As the paper boy is leering, a truck passes on the street, and when it has moved out of frame, the paperboy is gone. Oh no. It’s going to be that type of movie.

Back inside, Barrett discusses with Sonny the relationship she had with her horrible father. He questions why she would move back into the house that brought her so much trauma. That night, after Barrett and the movers have left and Sonny is alone, the paperboy (Daniel Ross Owens, though why I’m putting his name down I don’t know. You haven’t seen him in anything before and you surely won’t be seeing him in anything of note for the rest of eternity) shows up acting all kinds of creepy. He threatens Sonny to get a subscription to the paper. She refuses and he runs off into the night. That night on her show, the last caller is someone from Stillwater. After a moment of silence on the air, the caller whispers into the phone, “Hickory dickory dock…the mouse ran up the clock…the clock struck one the mouse ran down…hickory dickory dock.” Sonny is dismayed and the caller quickly hangs up.  Thinking it was just a joke, Sonny ends the show and goes home. She arrives just as the grandfather clock is striking one a.m. She looks confused at a display of porcelain figures sitting up on her sink.  One of the pieces has been moved. Someone has been in her house…

The beginning of the movie had a vibe of creepiness but quickly dissipates to a generic, plot-less “scary” movie. Exactly 21:11 into the film I thought I had solved the great twist of the story and boy was I wrong. There is no twist at all. The exact plot is laid out in the first handful of minutes; the paperboy is a creepy stalker – and that’s it. The rest of the movie is the paperboy terrorizing Sonny for no explainable reason whatsoever (nonchalantly mentioning something about him being adopted as if that would be a reason to suddenly start stalking a complete stranger).

The actor portraying the teenage paperboy will turn 30 this year, but that’s the least of the problems with this movie. No one in the film showcases any great acting ability and the writing is appalling. Rose McGowan, known for her role on television’s “Charmed,” has matured into a beautiful, though obviously botoxed woman. “Rosewood Lane” confirms why her most famous role was that of coitus vixen to sideshow freak Marilyn Manson. Scenes are predictable and characters act anything but the way they would in a real life situation. Doors are left unlocked and ajar. Lights are left off, keeping the house nice and dark – perfect for when you’re looking for someone!

The police, led by detective Briggs (Ray Wise) are inept at best and useless whenever Sonny needs them. After Sonny encounters the paperboy in the beginning she goes to the local pound and does what any other woman living alone and in potential fear would do – she adopts a cat. Who needs a dog when you can have a cat? Don’t worry though; she names it ‘Monster’ so it’s okay. I was also shocked when I watched the “Making of” on the DVD when someone compared “Rosewood Lane” to a Hitchcock-type horror film.  Shame on you! This movie has none of the traits of a great thriller, and doesn’t even have the characteristics of an average horror film.

McGowan’s cuteness wasn’t enough to save “Rosewood Lane” from being an abject failure on all levels.

– by Matt Christopher