The word ‘cheesy’ is synonymous with Hallmark Channel original movies, but that doesn’t mean for a second they aren’t worth watching. Comparing a ‘Hallmark’ movie to popular Hollywood cinema is like comparing a plateful of Denny’s slop to a fine aristocratic French supper – while one is clearly a superior option in every categorical way, the other takes the prize for substance. Translation: if I’m hungry, do I want a spoonful of pot-au-feu and a drop of merlot, or a trough of eggs, bacon, and ham intended for the tummy of a lumberjack?
I was under the assumption that ‘Hallmark’ movies only air from mid-November until Christmas, as each year the channel turns to non-stop fantastic feel-good holiday movies – movies generally so unrealistic I spend two hours smiling and wishing I lived in whatever fictitious universe the story is set in, where love flows freely like the Mississippi and benign problems are rectified in a quick and succinct manner. I was surprised when I saw a preview for a non-holiday movie on ‘Hallmark’ and had to check it out.
The 2013 Hallmark original “The Nearlyweds” has all the ingredients for a Hallmark film – mediocre acting from a cast you’ve never heard of, implausible situations, really cute female characters, and a plot so cheesy and full of holes you’d think it a slice of Swiss cheese – and yet all the above will probably make you smile while watching.
The movie begins with the weddings of three longtime friends; Erin (Danielle Panabaker) Casey (Jessica Parker Kennedy) and Stella (Britt Irvin) to their respective husbands, David (Ryan Kennedy) Nick (Travis Milne) and Mark (Steve Bacic). As they begin their lives together, each encounters their own marital problems. Erin must deal with David’s mother Renee (Naomi Judd), who has just moved into their house and has no interest in sharing her only son with another woman. Casey, who was overweight and ridiculed in high school, has just found out that prom queen and former schoolyard tormentor Anna (Christie Laing) has just been hired by Nick (whom she dated in High School) to be his secretary. Stella has just found out that Mark’s idea of her future will consist of her birthing a litter of children and working as a housewife, though she has aspirations for a career of her own.
As the friends begin to deal with their own issues, each receives a letter advising that the priest who performed each of their weddings (and passed away in a comical fashion at the start of the film) never signed their marriage certificates and as such, none of the couples are legally husband and wife. Though the legality will be corrected with a quick trip to the county office, each woman must now wrestle with the idea of whether or not they want to continue on with their men.
The starlets of the film are adorable (I can’t decide which is best – I fell in love with all of them) making you pine for life in a Hallmark universe, perfect but not unattainable, and you will suffer with them as they put up with the antics of their faux husbands. However, the movie suffers a bit, the entire premise being ripe with flaws – David invites his mother to move in without discussing with Erin, or Stella being unaware of Marks plans for their future (did these people ever speak while they were dating or did they just race to the altar?) And though I’ve never been married, I suspect the death of the priest wouldn’t nullify an event witnessed by hundreds of other people.
Nevertheless, “The Nearlyweds” is an enjoyable treat. It’s certainly not Oscar-worthy but by the end I found myself rooting for a Christmas-time sequel, of which I already have several ideas.
– by Matt Christopher
