It’s tough to review a movie like the 2012 SyFy flick “2-Headed Shark Attack,” since the title basically explains the entire concept of the film. The brainchild of The Asylum (the same cinematic masterminds behind “Hillside Cannibals,” “Snakes on a Train,” and of course “Mega Python vs. Gatoroid”) “2-Headed Shark Attack” is like a terrible baseball team that knows it’s not going to win but for some reason goes through the trouble of practicing in the grueling heat anyway. I don’t think I’ll shock anyone by revealing that it won’t win any Oscars, but if you like jumbo gore with no plausible acting or story then it hits the mark.
It’s a semester at sea for a group of college coeds, well, the really pretty ones anyway as evidenced by a class which is made up of stereotypical pec-pumped jocks and gorgeous women that look nothing like the girls I attended college with. All of the students are dim at best, save for the one braniac Paul (David Gallegos). As the girls sunbathe on the deck of the boat in bikinis better fitting on ten-year-olds, the bumbling Professor Babish (Charlie O’Connell – Jerry’s even less talented younger brother) discusses the lecture with his wife Anne (Carmen Electra).
The ship becomes entangled with a large sea carcass and sustains damage preventing further travel. Fortunately, a small atoll isnearby and they are able to dock there. Unfortunately, a giant mutated killer shark with two heads and a limitless appetite is menacing the waterways, preventing their escape or the repairs of the ship. While one student, Kate (Brooke Hogan) comes up with a plan to rescue the group, the shark begins to devour everyone else in some gory and gruesome fashions.
Though a terrible movie on all facets, “2-Headed Shark Attack” makes no effort to be good and for that, I say kudos! I would rather sit through 90 minutes of a joke, knowing full what to expect and being delivered just that, then watch a movie that some eccentric director thinks is the greatest thing on film that succeeds only in wasting my time. Make no mistake, “2-Headed Shark Attack” is a complete waste of time, but it’s refreshing that the writers, director, and stars are aware of this from the get go.
“2-Headed Shark Attack” is a definite guy movie (while the death scenes are anything but scary several other scenes are borderline pornography). At forty, Carmen Electra is still a fox (despite decades of over-tanning and a stint or two in jail) – reminding me of the vixen I fell in lust with as a teenager, drooling over her on MTV.
The title says it all. No effects look real and nothing is believable. You know exactly what the movie is and what you’ll get out of it.
Somewhere out there, Orson Welles is turning in his grave.
