The Box (PG-13)

After wasting 2 hours watching the 2009 psychological, dare I say, thriller, “The Box,” I couldn’t bear the idea of expending additional time and resources into reviewing it. Alas, I am a Buff Critic, and have a duty to do, so with great pain (and practical martyrdom) I shall commence…

Set in 1976 Virginia, the film begins with an ominous on-screen computer message from some unknown sender, discussing the whereabouts of a burn victim named Mr. Steward (Frank Langella). At 5:45 am the doorbell to a suburban Richmond home rings awakening the sleeping Lewis family. Like any decent southern man, the husband Arthur (James Marsden) sends his wife Norma (Cameron Diaz) into the darkness to answer it by herself.

There is no one there. On the doorstep is a mysterious box with a button on top. With it is a note advising them that Mr. Steward will be there at 5 pm that evening with further instructions. Arthur, Norma, and their son Walter (Sam Oz Stone) discuss the box over breakfast, the only thing accompanying their terrible acting and the horribly written script are their miserably failed attempts at the southern accent.

Throughout the day, we learn that Norma is a teacher who limps due to an injury when she was a teenager, causing the students at the school to gawk like she has three heads and squid tentacles for arms, and Arthur is a NASA employee and aspiring astronaut. Despite having these jobs, a house, and a Corvette, Norma reveals to a co-worker that they have very little money and live “paycheck to paycheck.”

At 5 pm, the bell rings and Norma lets the sinister Mr. Steward, half of his face missing due to a lightning strike, into the house, where he divulges the purpose of the box. Norma will have 24 hours to make the decision to push the button on the box or not. If she chooses to push it, two things are guaranteed to happen; someone, somewhere in the world that she does not know will die, and she will receive 1 million dollars in cash. Of course, Norma accepts the proposal with only one poorly asked question – “who do you work for?” Steward of course refuses to tell her before advising he will return in 24 to take back the box.

The next day, Norma is informed she will no longer be receiving medical benefits at work that would cover an upcoming surgery and Arthur learns he is rejected for a mission to Mars due to his failure of a psychological examination – when it rains for the Lewis family, it really pours!!! This is of course, adding fuel to the fire of temptation, as though the offer of one million in cash wasn’t enough. We get it already, they’re financially strapped! (yet still driving a $70,000 Corvette).

It’s the Christmas season and Arthur and Norma go to a play that night, leaving Walter with his babysitter Dana (Gillian Jacobs) who sits with Walter and plays Monopoly (you know, the type of game that is great to play with two people). With acting worse than that from a high school drama class, Arthur and Norma discuss the proposal of pushing the button. Arthur thinks they don’t need the money to be happy, but as Norma reminds him, it will change their lives forever. “Are we ever gonna leave Richmond?” She asks in her best Scarlett O’ Hara voice (like Virginia’s capital, robust economy, and 200,000+ people is some small crapass town that they just can’t escape from).

The next afternoon, just before 5 pm, Norma quickly and unexpectedly slaps her hand on the button. Mr. Steward arrives on time and as promised, delivers a case with one million dollars in cash. Before he leaves, he advises that his next move will be to reprogram the box and deliver it to someone else. Someone, he assures them, they don’t know…

That is how it ends. Perfectly creepy and sinister. Very Twilight Zone like! Great movie…wait…what? You’re kidding…oh it doesn’t end there? You mean…it goes on?

That’s right. Over the next 90 minutes, you will be taken on a ridiculous roller coaster ride that blends creepy but unexplainable people watching the Lewis family, random nosebleeds from almost everyone in town, and the spacecraft Viking 1 that was launched to Mars in 1975 to take pictures.

The premise is interesting enough but the actual pushing of the box and the struggle of the money is completely secondary to the foolishness of the mysterious NASA/NSA government cover-up and Steward’s newly found superhuman ability due to his survival of the lighting strike. You will ask yourself multiple times, what the *** am I watching?

“The Box” is a complete waste of time and a borderline “turn off” midway through but alas, I must complete my duty to the faithful Buff readers. I really wish I could take the story in my own direction. I came up with several scenarios while watching it that would have made it great, but to no avail.

Please, avoid “The Box” at all costs.

– by Matt Christopher