Raunchy high-school comedies, especially ones that weave in and out of romance territory, are about as common in movie theatres as popcorn. Sometimes they’re intricately woven, such as 1999’s “10 Things I Hate About You,” while others are simply about sex (any of the “American Pie” series). 2004’s “The Girl Next Door,” however, really fails to find its foothold in either category.
It’s not really raunchy, although it tries really hard to be, and its romance is short-lived, used more as a dramatic mechanism than plot. However, the film manages to get enough right in its 108 minute run-time to please most fans of the genre and to be genuinely entertaining in its presentation.
The movie stars Emile Hirsch (“Speed Racer,” the critically-acclaimed “Into the Wild”) as Matthew Kidman, a high-school senior who’s the school president and dedicated over-achiever. He’s slated for Georgetown University, and his future is all but set. His world is disrupted, however, when a beautiful girl, Danielle (Elisha Cuthbert, T.V.’s “24”) moves in next door to housesit. The two strike up a quick friendship and romance, and things are going great. However, it’s not long before Matt finds out the truth about his mysterious beauty – she’s a pornstar.
One of the major faults of “The Girl Next Door” is that Danielle’s career choice enters the movie as not much more than necessary drama to break up the “cutsey-ness” of the two of them falling in love. Matt finds out suddenly, and his decision to treat her less like the sweet girl he was falling for and more like a pornstar leads to the quick end of their relationship. Why did he do it? Because he was scared. Why did she like him in the first place? “I loved the way you looked at me,” she narrates. The upsetting part about the script is that while we believe her, we understand it will be quite some time before the two of them get the chance to have an honest talk that will lead to their inevitable reunion. We are now simply along for the ride.
The movie then departs on a journey of craziness that involves such hijinks as Matt coming onto Danielle too strongly, having numerous run-ins with her producer/ex-boyfriend Kelly (Timothy Olyphant, “I Am Number 4”), another porn king-pin Hugo Boss, and he and his friends having numerous close encounters with pornstars and agents, narrowly getting beat up along the way.
This section of the movie, which takes up a full third of the film, reminded me of the side plot of “True Lies” in that it serves more to waste viewers time and procrastinate the end of the film than to add to it. Simply nothing transpires of note. Was it that the producers of the film lacked the confidence to trust the audience would believe Danielle to be a pornstar without showing her scantily-clad in front of cameras and agents? Possible, but unlikely. More likely they realized a movie about love, even between a high school student and a pornstar, isn’t as interesting as the drama of them being apart.
Another problem lies in the movie’s acting. First we have Emile Hirsch, who has clearly shown acting chops in movies like “Into the Wild,” trapped in the archetype of the love-struck, confused teenager. He does bring the necessary innocence required of the character, shed, however, when he walks into a prom at the end with his pornstar girlfriend around his arm. Many of the events he goes through are believable (such as losing a scholarship due to his lack of preparation), but others are highly suspect. Are we to believe he went from a kid afraid to skip class at the beginning of the film into a cocky, self-sure Don Juan who organizes a “Sex Ed” porn film with three starlets by the end of the movie?
Other actors only confound this problem. Cuthbert, who never really got a chance to shine under the shadow of Jack Bauer in “24” doesn’t get a real chance to do so here either. Her character is constrained to that of the confused woman in love, and we don’t get the real chance to see her as anything other than Matt’s love interest. Ironically, the best acting in the movie lies with Olyphant. Used to the sidekick role in movies such as “Gone in 60 Seconds” he takes his character in this movie and truly runs with it. Kelly’s a villain, pure and simple. Olyphant has fun with him. It’s a credit to his performance that by the end we love to hate Kelly as much as we do.
All in all, “The Girl Next Door” isn’t a total waste of time. It’s humorous along the way, manages to steer clear of clichéd histrionics, and does find a funny, almost sweet way of resolving its chief crisis. Supporting characters, such as school jocks and teachers are rightly stereotyped and one-sided. There’s not a lot of character development outside of Matt, Kelly, and Danielle, but there’s not supposed to be. The end scene, while over-the-top, hits home all the fun and cocky arrogance of what it would feel to walk into your prom with a pornstar and let everyone look on with envy. It also has a great soundtrack, which such songs as “Angels” by Elliot Smith and the ever-beautiful “This Year’s Love” by David Gray.
If you’re looking for a high-school comedy, or a chance to look at the lovely Elisha Cuthbert, you could do a lot worse than “The Girl Next Door” – but just don’t go in expecting a redefinition of the genre or to be blown away by plot. You may be sadly disappointed.
– by Mark Ziobro
