12 Rounds (PG-13)

All sensible people understand that the antics of “professional” wrestling are a farce. Larger than life characters with poorly written scripts and childish costumes jump around and act foolish in what’s tantamount to a soap opera on steroids. Created in 2002, the gurus behind “professional” wrestling launched WWE Studios, apparently under the belief that there were far too few poorly written and acted movies already out there.

The 2009 movie “12 Rounds” plays out just like a WWE match, complete with amateur writing, feeble acting, lots of gratuitous action, and wrestling star John Cena in a leading role. The story begins as the FBI is tracking Irish terrorist and arms dealer Miles Jackson (Aidan Gillen) as he casually strolls through the streets of downtown New Orleans en route to a sting operation geared at bringing him down. “You wanna see the face of the devil?” the lead agent (Steve Harris) says as they focus on Miles. “There it is.”

In the first instance of terrible writing, Harris then recites a laundry list of crimes perpetrated by Miles so lengthy and heinous it would make Osama Bin Laden look like a pickpocket. For example, just saying he shot down a passenger airliner with a rocket launcher would be sufficient to portray him as evil, but it doesn’t stop there. He’s also hijacked a military vehicle, smuggled weapons across the globe, blown up dozens of targets, and even assassinated his own brother. The FBI agents are portrayed as standard government operatives that will do whatever it takes to get him with little regard for innocent people in the way. One agent even carries a personal vendetta against Miles. Give me a break.

Despite all the atrocities, Miles has still managed to forge a loving relationship with an incredibly sexy young woman named Erica (Taylor Cole) and take part in the raucous Bourbon Street activities. At one point Miles stops to give advice to two men playing chess. If you hadn’t already figured it out, he’s also a strategic genius! This is also displayed moments later when he outwits the FBI and manages to escape with Erica. Called in to assist is New Orleans police officer Danny Fisher (Cena) who quickly enters the array of foolishness as he pursues the fleeing vehicle on foot, cutting through various people’s houses and backyards, and still somehow keeping up. Fisher arrests Miles and all is well in the world.

Or is it?

Exactly one year later, Fisher has now been promoted to Detective due to his heroics in capturing Miles. That morning he gets a phone call, and is shocked to hear Miles on the other end. It seems he escaped in a huge prison break a few weeks before and somehow Fisher didn’t catch it on the news, or Internet, or social media feeds. Rather than escaping with his life and the hundreds of millions of dollars he has, Miles decides he wants to exact revenge on Fisher in the form of a game he identifies as ’12 Rounds.’  “We will have our rematch,” Miles declares as an explosion then destroys Fisher’s house and car. Miles advises sinisterly that he’s just taken round one.

In order to keep Fisher playing the game, Miles manages to abduct Fisher’s girlfriend Molly (Ashley Scott) and explains the rules of the game. Danny will have to complete a series of nearly impossible and death defying tasks as Miles orders him. “If you’re still standing after all 12 rounds you have won her back.” We are then treated to explosions, car chases, gunfights and the like, as Danny apparently forgets his oath to protect innocent civilians with a complete disregard for the safety of anyone in his way as he attempts to perform the rounds in time to save Molly.

I didn’t expect the acting to be great, certainly from Cena, though Aidan Gillen does an intriguing job as the role of the devilish Miles. The script is so bad you’ll literally shake your head throughout the entire movie.

Try as I could, I just couldn’t flunk “12 Rounds.”  To borrow on a line from Freddie Lee Cobb – you can’t blame a dog for being a dog, and you really can’t flunk a movie from the WWE. You’ll get what’s expected, and if you expect action and little else, “12 Rounds” is for you.