Well the weather outside is frightening… or something like that. The holidays are back and not only do we have the one with the jolly fat man sliding down the chimney, but we have also got another Friday the 13th! Yeah, that’s right. Another day to honor Jason Voorhees. We find ourselves on the final stretch of 2024 and oh what a year it has been.
Now, sadly, some people think the holidays are just about credit card debt, fake sentiments, the weaponization of capitalism to ensure kids go to bed on time, torturous, redundant music played nonstop for a month and spending dreaded hours with insufferable family members. And I’ll tell you to those people—I’m with ya!
Bring on the Holidays
Earlier this week I traveled to my local mall which nowadays resembles more of a post-apocalyptic waste land a la “Mad Max” than a shopping center but whatever. Two main goals in mind: bask in the holidays. And house a pretzel. Hot Topic and Spencer’s make me question where the hell time has gone as they are now employed with people almost young enough to be my offspring. The posters and tee shirts remain along with the innocence of my youth. Trying to buy an action figure or an album on vinyl at FYE feels more like a Heaven’s Gate recruitment effort with all their subscriptions and memberships. And yeah the mall Santa is snorting Prozac off a dirty sink in the men’s room and sure the parents dragging their screaming kids around would love to buy some from him, but the pretzels are delicious and wonderful and glorious!
I have no good transition so let’s just get to it! Spoiler Alert: no Jason films here to be had. Friday the 13th may be the best holiday ever but let’s showcase some other holiday monsters, shall we? Here’s a list of the best holiday-themed horror films! Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays from The Movie Buff!!
‘Gremlins’
“Gremlins” predates “Fight Club” and “Scream” when it comes to establishing rules. Rule 1: Don’t feed them after midnight. Rule 2: Don’t get them wet. Failing to follow either result in a legit nightmare. Now, I don’t really like “Gremlins.” I think it’s bland, boring, and feels super dated. Speaking of dated, the only reason it holds a special place in my heart is because it reminds me of a girl I once dated. She was a midnight snacker, so Rule 1 went out the window. As for Rule 2, she could never get, wait…hold your horses! Get your mind’s out of the gutter! This is none of anyone’s business! Next movie!
‘Krampus’
What could I say about “Krampus?” It’s the cinematic equivalent of putting a Playstation 5 on your Christmas list and instead receiving a pack of triple A batteries… and like, nothing to use the batteries in. It’s pointless, frustrating, and leaves you wanting more. I went in expecting like “Planet Terror” and left with “Sharknado.” Still, if I want to seriously bring down the mood, I might throw this on. I enjoy Adam Scott enough to see him try to work his magic. I still say watch it though. None of this makes sense. I realize it. Just move on.
‘Scrooged’
A trifecta of holiday, comedy and horror, “Scrooged” remains one of Bill Murray’s best performances. A retelling of the classic tale, “Scrooged” features a ton of hilarious cameos and some truly outrageous set pieces. At its heart, it’s going to end up overwhelmingly filled with heart but it’s about the journey, not the destination and here, Bill Murray in his classic fast-talking, frenetic manner, he serves as the perfect protagonist to take us on this ride. When you set up to watch this during this season, make sure to enjoy the beginning. The mix of comedy and satire and truly ridiculous humor sets the stage for this Christmas miracle of a film.
‘Black Christmas’
Now we’re talking! And no, we’re not talking about those lame ass remakes. The original “Black Christmas” is one of two holiday classics directed by the late Bob Clark: the other being the timeless, “A Christmas Story.”
Sometimes I think of “A Christmas Story” as a horror film. In the sense that like for the first 14 years of my life, every Thanksgiving the 24-hour marathon on TBS would be on at my house. Ralphie is a menace! But not as menacing as the killer in “Black Christmas.” Predating “Halloween,” this 1974 banger set the stage for slasher films to follow. The phone calls are weird and almost sexually perverse in nature and some of the kills are truly one of a kind for their time. For a film released fifty years ago, it holds up way better than some of its contemporaries and should be on everyone’s Christmas watch list.
‘Christmas With the Kranks’
The horror! This Tim Allen and Jamie Lee Curtis vehicle is the exact kind of horrific movie that could get me to swear off the holidays. Jamie, you’re great, but you’ve done enough for the horror genre. “Halloween,” “Prom Night,” “The Fog…” still, “Kranks” sits as her top horror film ever. I have to watch this with my hands firmly planted over my eyes. Cannot handle even a single look at the screen. The terrible jokes. The unbelievably stupid plot. It’s like the “Gigli” of Christmas movies. The characters are as generic as they are dumb and the acting, I mean Tim the Toolman gets a pass because “The Santa Claus” is among the three or four best Christmas movies ever. But like apple strudel the scary old witch at work gave me last Christmas, this is hot trash!
‘Thanksgiving’
Who knew we needed this film so much? And we don’t even deserve it. In an era of revitalized horror films, Eli Roth’s “Thanksgiving” stands atop pile of mashed potatoes and gravy as best of the class. In the age of the Internet, I still don’t understand why Black Friday is a thing. I’ve not participated in a single Black Friday in nearly 39 years of life. And any inclinations I had to do so quickly evaporated after I saw the magnificent opening to “Thanksgiving.” Funny, crude, and horrific simultaneously, the tone of the film is set in one of the truly best horror film first acts. I could only hope we get so lucky to have a string of these-albeit with some level of comparable quality—and see John Carver and this franchise take a slice out of the box office for many holiday seasons to come.
‘Terrifier 3’
If you’re hosting Christmas for your family this year, I no doubt understand your pain. If the fam tends to linger a little long or maybe just doesn’t take the hint that it’s time to leave, why not throw “Terrifier 3” on? I’m going to tell you straight up: I do not love the “Terrifier” films. They’re so over the top disgusting and gory for the sake of gore and the name of cruelty. That said, “Terrifier 3” has two unbelievably ridiculous moments tied right into the midst of all that Christmas cheer. Art the Clown at the bar with a mall Santa provides a hysterical pallet cleansing moment when he sits on Santa’s lap. Nothing about this franchise is a masterpiece but you could do worse.
‘Batman Returns’
That’s right! This is how we’re going out. I don’t make the rules, I just break them. And “Batman Returns” is as much a Christmas movie and anything on this list. It gets a horror nod thanks to Danny Devito’s Penguin and just enough weird ass moments to qualify. The Tim Burton classic heavily features the Christmas time aesthetic as well as some truly horrific and disgusting scenes. But you know what? I don’t need to make excuses or convince you. Any excuse to talk about Batman and I. Am. In! I will watch this film at least once in the coming weeks as I traditionally hit Batman movies around Christmas and New Years. It’s a wonderful backslide to childhood when I first became captivated by the Dark Knight in the summer of 1992. If you want to give yourself a true gift this holiday season, watch “Batman Returns.”
