I’ve got one motto when it comes to life: pay the extra fifty cents for the large soda when you go to the movies. For less than the cup of coffee a day, you can soak your pearly whites in a little more sugary sweetness while playing Russian Roulette with your bladder for all two hours plus of your movie going experience. Holy Run-On Sentence Batman! But still, you’re catching what I’m throwing.
Unintelligible pontification aside, I actually have a secondary motto that really is my main motto; but at this point, who’s counting? Have cats-not kids. You heard that right and you heard it here first. I’m a grown child in a man costume pretending to understand compound interest and complex emotions while sipping Chocy milk through a straw and eating CTC (Cinnamon Toast Crunch) with my best friend Professor Binx, who makes biscuits on my Batman snuggie. So other than this gloriously wonderful picture of a Saturday morning I just painted, you may be asking, why am I not down for kids? Well it’s easy; they’re effing horrifying!
Certain tropes of horror movies just hit harder than others and for me; man, I gotta tell ya, scary little bastards running amok just unsettle the bejesus out of me. And its not just me they terrify; the Professor just agreed. Well, I think he did. He squinted his eyes and nodded. Come to think of it, he may have just fallen asleep…I’m not sure. But I’m jealous that he even can sleep with all this talk of horrifying rugrats. I’ll be sleeping with the lights on under the blankets hoping it’s not a sleep paralysis night all while dreading any of these monsters making an uninvited appearance into my dreams. Here you go, folks. In preparation for Halloween, I present six horrendously horrifying horror movie kids!
6. ‘Rosemary’s Baby’ (1968)
HAIL SATAN! “Rosemary’s Baby” perfected the less-is-more concept when it comes to horror. We never see the kid. But you better believe every person who made it through this horror classic conjured up their own view on what this kid looked like. And honestly, why show it? It’s scarier this way. Rather than fail to meet our expectations, real life monster and absolute creep Roman Polanski made the wise choice to leave it up to the eye of the beholder here and let us all paint our own horrifying portrait. More horror movies should follow this logic. (Read our review).
5. ‘The Omen’ (1976)
Sweet mother of God! Damien is the exact reason my main motto about cats is what it is. Can you imagine this monster sitting across from you every night at the dinner table? And how the hell do you tuck him in? He’s the kind of kid that watches “Bambi” and roots for the hunter! I totally understand his Llyod Christmas-like haircut could play a role in his inner turmoil and kid, I get it. One time my parents put a bowl over my head, sat me on a spinning chair, wielded a pair of dull scissors and spun away. (Read our review).
4. ‘The Shining’ (1980)
How about a little triple play of terror action. “The Shining” gives us not one, not two, but three horrifying kids! One of the most iconic shots from the Stanley Kubrick masterpiece is of the Grady Twins. Those two little bastards with that dead-behind-the-eye-stare brought this idiot many a sleepless night. They’re brief but effective; and for a movie with so many iconic images and scenes, it’s a testament to their own horrifying appeal that they didn’t get lost in the shuffle. But Danny Torrence. My god. Who the hell is Tony? What the hell does it mean he lives in his mouth? And what in the fresh hell is up with that dude in the bear suit? There’s so much to unpack here. (Read our review).
3. ‘The Ring’ (2002)
What do Samara and I have in common? We never sleep! Especially after rewatching this chaos. My god. The faces. One of the “Scary Movie’s” really parodied the hell out of this; so for like a ten-year period I think I was just more horrified that Comedy Central was playing that every Saturday afternoon…but make no mistake: “The Ring” will haunt your gd dreams. The concept is even darker than the humor. This poor family just wanted a daughter. And how do they show appreciation of their good fortune when they finally get what they want? They throw the kid down a well! Oh well…man even I’m not proud of that joke; but it just goes to show, this level of horror will not only ruin your sleep — but your sense of humor as well. (Read our review).
2. ‘The Exorcist’ (1973)
Why do bad things happen to good people? Therein lies a timeless question often raised in horror movies. But seriously…what the hell did Regan MacNeil do to deserve such a fate? Or her mom to see her only daughter go through this terrible ordeal? Fewer films are as horrifying from a purely atmospheric point of view — but that’s got nothing on what comes in the third act. This poor little girl. Pazuzu is a real son of a gun. This literal demon takes this innocent young girl and turns her into a violent, vomiting foul mouther monster, spewing the most of horrific obscenity-fueled insults on two men of God guilty of nothing other than trying to save her soul. And I gotta tell ya…I dig it. (Read our review).
1. ‘Pet Sematary’ (1989)
I don’t even have to get into this but when this little bastard cuts Herman Munster’s Achilles Tendon, I swear to god I want to cry. Like literal tears. Sometimes, dead is better or so they say; and after seeing this I’m a believer. Poor little Gage. That death scene is simultaneously horrific and headbanging. Horrific because he fights an eighteen-wheeler and loses and head-banging because I love the Ramones and anytime I can get a listen of their pop punk bliss, I just want to pick up my bass and rage along.
It’s worth noting also that Zelda, while not the main creepy child here, is equal to or more than anyone else mentioned here in terms of nightmare fuel. I can’t even go on any more about this one. The whole movie just makes me scared for my sanity. You’d think after about a hundred and thirty viewings over a lifetime you’d get a little desensitized but hey, kids are never not scary! (Read our review).
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