REVIEW - 'Three Thousand Years of Longing' (2022)

“Three Thousand Years of Longing” (directed by George Miller, his first work since the incredible “Mad Max: Fury Road”) is a frustrating film that trudges along with the flow of a buffalo walking in quicksand. Alithea Binnie (played by Tilda Swinton) is a British scholar, well-read in the classics and proficient in several languages. During a trip to Istanbul, she finds an antique bottle and later that night, accidentally opens it, releasing a Djinn (played by Idris Elba) who offers her three wishes. But Alithea, having read so many tales of wishes gone wrong, is hesitant about it. She needs convincing that she can truly get three of her heart’s fondest wishes.

I had such high expectations for this film. It has a fantastic director who’s worked with fantasy material before, two magnificent lead actors at the height of their skills, and an ageless premise. It was about 20 minutes in that I quietly muttered “oh no,” and as the person sitting next to me in the theater gave me a weird look, I realized the two problems that would ultimately sink the film for me: too much exposition and no chemistry between the leads.

A Film with Too Much Exposition

The bulk of the film follows the Djinn as he details how he was trapped in bottles and escaped three times in the last three thousand years. Yep, the number three pops up frequently in the film, and why not? It’s the number the ancient philosopher Pythagoras said perfectly represented the fusion of wisdom, harmony, and understanding.

Now imagine if I spent three more paragraphs discussing Pythagoras and the number three, rather than continuing with the movie review. Wouldn’t that be annoying and/or boring? Well that’s what we get in “Three Thousand Years of Longing,” as the Djinn recounts his history. Along the way the film takes other diversions, and it’s all played out on-screen as he narrates. By the time he reaches his third tale of capture and escape, I was perilously close to going into dreamland myself (which would have been a lot more fun, honestly).

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The Djinn goes through this to convince Alithea he is a good Djinn and isn’t going to hurt her. Alithea, forever a skeptical intellectual, stubbornly resists him along the way. And there lies the other problem with the film, the two have zero chemistry.

A Lack of Chemistry Between Swinton and Elba Hurts the Fim

Idris Elba in “Three Thousand Years of Longing.” (Photo: Metro-Goldwyn-Mayer (MGM).

What could have been playful and fun comedic scenes between them, as the Djinn gently argues with her while she just wants to go brush her teeth, are played cold and unemotional instead. There was so much frost coming off the screen that the theater air-conditioning could have been dialed back a few notches.

I’m not sure what George Miller saw between the two actors that screamed “They’re the perfect couple for this film!” Maybe he thought their combined talent could overcome the lack of chemistry. However, chemistry isn’t something that can just be summoned — it has to happen naturally, and the actors just didn’t have it.

A Rare Miss for George Miller

The only thing that saves the film from total disaster are the trippy interstitials that appear between acts of the film, mystic light shows filled with symbols and patterns and reminiscent of Paul Thomas Anderson’s interstitials throughout the film “Punch Drunk Love.” They’re beautiful, but far too brief.

“Three Thousand Years of Longing” is a rare fumble for George Miller and the actors. It’s a fantasy film with no wonder, where even moments of love and comedy are as dull and cold as a tap water ice cube.