Kindergarten Cop (PG-13)

It was Christmas time 1990 and my mom and I had gone to the theatre in the local Sangertown Mall.  The line was long, as was to be expected. After all, the movie was already a mega-blockbuster and easily the most popular movie of the year.  For some reason, my mom allowed a woman and her bevy of screaming children to step ahead of us in line. I was only 13 and I knew it would be trouble.  Sure enough, the movie sold out before we got tickets.  I was devastated as I realized I would remain the only kid in the entire world yet to see “Home Alone.”

My mom and I decided to opt for Plan B.  A poorly rated movie that the “experts” had been trashing since before its release.  We bought the tickets and entered the theatre.  2 short hours later I had a new favorite movie.

In 1990, Arnold Schwarzenegger was already one of Hollywood’s biggest names, with blockbusters like “Conan the Barbarian,” “The Terminator,” “Predator,” and “Total Recall” under his belt.  If a muscle-bound tough guy was needed to lead a cast, he was the man you called.

“Kindergarten Cop” was the furthest thing possible from the Central American jungles of “Predator.” Schwarzenegger plays John Kimble, a hardened and maverick LA police officer who is forced to go undercover as a kindergarten teacher in the quaint and beautiful seaside town of Astoria, Oregon, where he is tasked with identifying the estranged and unknown child of a drug lord named Cullen Crisp (Richard Tyson).

Rounding out the cast are several veteran actresses; Pamela Reed, who plays Kimble’s partner Phoebe O’Hara; Linda Hunt as the old-fashioned domineering school principal Ms Schlowski; Carroll Baker as Cullen’s evil and controlling mother; and the adorable Penelope Ann Miller who plays Kimble’s love interest and fellow teacher Joyce Palmieri.

“Kindergarten Cop” will no doubt keep you thoroughly entertained, smiling, and laughing from start to finish.  Schwarzenegger’s
interaction with the children is a match made in heaven and you’ll stay anxious as the police search for the unknown son before the bad guys can find him. Schwarzenegger and Miller have a terrific chemistry as the awkward and slightly inept Kimble woos Joyce while learning to adapt as a kindergarten teacher by employing the use of his pet ferret and turning the 6-year-old’s “mush into muscle” with his police school activities.

Does it have plot holes?  Predictability?  Cheesiness?  Most certainly.  And that’s what makes it so great.  The characters are quite basic – Schwarzenegger is a tough cop forced to soften up in the presence of the tots.  The villain Cullen Crisp is full of pizzazz and one liners, and has an ambiguous history with Kimble (somehow knowing where Kimble lives and what takeout food he likes) and though their back-story is never clearly defined, a sense of bitter disdain can be felt amongst the two, Crisp telling him at one point “My old lady left because of the money.  Yours left because she just couldn’t stand the sight of you.”  Kimble’s partner and the principal Ms Schlowski insert a perfect amount of humor that’s not too over-the-top.

Sure critics and even other sites bash it.  Forget them!  I suggest you check out “Kindergarten Cop” today.  It’s not “Casablanca” but it certainly is (gasp) fun!

– by Matt Christopher