So, last Friday night I traveled down to the valley to meet up with my father for dinner. For whatever reason, when the two of us get together for some good ole fashioned father-son bonding, we always end up at Applebee’s. Now I know what you’re saying: what deliciousness! And yeah, whether it’s the killer commercials, the high-liquor-low-dollar mixers, or the goddamn glorious ambiance, it’s our thing.
Anyway, I survived the gauntlet ride through rush hour down the Interstate and made my way to the shopping mall that houses this Applebee’s only to enter a “300”–style stampede of insane shoppers hauling ass through the mall, willing to slay their fellow human to get to all the early Black Friday deals. The always dimly-lit mall sat showered in glistening Christmas lights, three-foot candy canes, and a plethora of other decorations. The likes of Paul McCartney, Mariah Carey and Alvin & the Chipmunks scored the scene with an array of songs we’ve all heard way too much while a fake Santa Claus sat upon his throne, questioning his life decisions and dreading whatever little monster might plop on his lap next. In the midst of this overstimulation of the senses all I could think about was how it’s Christmas time again; and if it’s Christmas time, I need to re-watch the greatest Christmas movie ever created, ASAP. That’s right, it’s time to watch “Batman Returns.”
‘Die Hard’ Fans: There’s Room for Two Christmas Movies
Now before you start having a meltdown, hear me out. If “Die Hard” is a Christmas movie, you better believe “Batman Returns” is. I’d go as far to say that if you polled all contributors at The Movie Buff, they’d say the same. Tim Burton’s gothic and creepy superhero sequel warms my heart in ways “A Christmas Story” and “Christmas Vacation” can’t. I was six years old and already a huge Batman fan when this film released in the summer of 1992. One of the greatest disappointments of my life both then and now was when I was tricked into a trip to the movies under the ruse of seeing this only to have to suffer through the cinematic sludge of “Fern Gully: The Last Rain Forest.” For the love! It’s trash, Brock.
Eventually I made my godfather an offer he couldn’t refuse. And on a brutally hot summer day, we beat the heat with Batman, The Penguin, and Catwoman. The performances of this trio just connected with my young psyche on such a deep level. I’d argue the movie was and is not for the faint of heart. This tale of the Caped Crusader is violent, gross, bloody, dark, filthy, and laced with sexual innuendo and unnecessary cruel performances—but I gotta tell you, I love it! Plus, it’s got my all-time favorite actor, Christopher Walken, in pure Walken form. And my original childhood hero, Pee Wee Herman, cameos as Oswald Cobblepot’s father.
Batman, the Penguin, and Catwoman—What a Trio
Off topic, but I loved Pee Wee as a kid. I slicked my hair to the side, wore a Pee Wee onesie, and consistently told my grandmother, “I know you are but what am I?” and spent every Saturday morning surrounded by a hundred action figures, slamming Cinnamon Toast Crunch and watching “Pee Wee’s Playhouse.” Now, the second biggest disappointment of life both then and now following the “Fern Gully” disaster was the day my parents took away all my Pee Wee stuff. This was a year before this trip to the movies. But I never understood why my Pee Wee doll with the pull string seemingly vanished into thin air. What happened to my Chairy and Terry Tetradactyl? Even the onesie pajamas were gone. So, suffice to say, when I saw Pee Wee on-screen I yelled, “Pee Wee!” Other theater-goers erupted in laughter. I didn’t get it. Why would yelling “Pee Wee” in a movie theater in 1992 be so funny? What made the idea of Pee Wee in a movie theater so hilarious? Man, did I have a lot to learn.
“Batman Returns” is notorious for featuring a grotesque performance by Danny DeVito as the Penguin. Michelle Pfeiffer is stunning as Catwoman. But that Penguin steals the show. A reinvention of the classic comic character, Tim Burton totally Tim Burton-ed the Penguin; but it’s great and different and yeah, it’s not for everyone. But that’s okay. The years have been way kinder to it than it was upon release. The reaction totally changed the trajectory of the franchise. It’s totally more of a Tim Burton film than a “Batman” film, but that makes it all the better and way more unique. Like Pee Wee Herman, I loved it then and I love it now. My only issue here is to date this is the final appearance of my Batman, Michael Keaton. And while he absolutely kicks ass here, his screen time feels considerably overshadowed by the shenanigans of the two iconic villains.
A Definitive Christmas Movie—Alfred Proves It
Throughout the years, I would often travel up to Reel Deal Video to sit on some wicker rocking chairs and grab this VHS off the shelf. Among a sea of movie pictures and posters there always sat a worn picture of Michael Keaton from the film; and even when I’d be there for “Aliens” or “Dumb & Dumber,” I’d more times than not add this to the list. It was a huge point of my childhood. It’s the rare film that even now—thirty years later—I can watch and be transported right back to that time in my life. Cheering for Pee Wee and living my best six-year-old life.
The justification for this being a Christmas movie is not for me to make. You watch it, you tell me what you think. But for me, there’s never been one better. But if you need a little convincing, in the film’s final scene, Alfred looks in the rearview mirror back at Bruce Wayne, now holding a black cat and says, “Well, come what may. Merry Christmas, Mr. Wayne.” Bruce Wayne, petting the black cat says, “Merry Christmas, Alfred.” And that is good enough for me!
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