Piranha 3D (R)

Ving Rhames, Elizabeth Shue, Jerry O’Connell, Richerd Dreyfuss, Eli Roth, Christopher Lloyd…

Christopher Lloyd?? That’s right. However, if you were expecting a big budget blockbuster to go along with these big-budget household names renting “Piranha,” you’d be sorely mistaken. There really isn’t anything noteworthy about this movie, except how flagrantly it manages to rip off scenes from other horror movies and piece them together in a messy display of filmmaking and acting. But don’t despair just yet–if you like bad horror, gore, and plenty of half-naked teenagers, you might just get something out of this movie after all.

“Piranha 3D” is basically just one giant rip off of “Jaws.” However, instead of a giant shark, the antagonist is a thousand-strong (and thousands of years old) pack of prehistoric piranha. The movie opens with Richard Dreyfuss’ character fishing on a rowboat, drinking beer. Fans of Jaws will not recognize the way his character looks now, unless you happened to catch his performance in 2006’s “Poseidon,” a remake of the 1972, “The Poseidon Adventure.”

The movie doesn’t waste anytime getting right to the rip-offs, or should I say ‘homages.’ –Dreyfuss is fishing, singing “Show me the way to go home,” when an earthquake starts a torrential whirlpool which begins to suck him into the lake. [SPOILERS] As he falls in, he is attacked and monstrously killed by the newly awakened school of piranha. Why the movie wasted casting Dreyfuss, a markedly accomplished actor in a dialogue-less scene, only to die in the first five minutes of the film is a question in a long line of questions one would want to ask the filmmakers. [End Spoilers]

The movie then introduces us to its main characters. We have 17-year old Jake Forester (Steven McQueen), who is living with his mother (Elizabeth Shue) and two younger siblings in the town of Lake Victoria, Arizona. His mother is a police officer, and Jake has just been tasked with the unthinkable–to babysit his brother and sister on the weekend of spring break, where hundreds of veritable babes will be in town, drinking, partying, and occupying the lake in full force. While in town, Jake is invited by a gorgeous girl Danni (Kelly Brook) and self-touted filmmaker Derek (Jerry O’Connel) to accompany them on a movie shoot on Lake Victoria. Jake agrees, and the next day makes a deal to pay his brother and sister $60 if they will pretend he was babysitting them so he can go off with his newfound friends.

That this is a recipe for disaster is a given, but the reasons for watching “Piranha 3D” lie not in the story but the gore. (Don’t worry; we’re almost there!)

“Piranha 3D” also introduces us to Kelly (Jessica Szohr), a kind girl Jake’s age, who, although seen to be hanging around some of the brainless partygoers of Lake Victoria, takes a liking to Jake, and you find yourself rooting for them to be together, even though it’s practically a lock given the premise of this movie. The four of them (Jake, Kelly, Danni, and Derek) round up a few more scantily clad girls and embark upon a tour of Lake Victoria to find the perfect spot to “film.”

Some other minor characters are introduced, such as a team of researchers horribly reminiscent of Richard Dreyfuss and company from the original “Jaws,” who discover the piranhas, and bring them to Christopher Lloyd’s character, a fish expert who instantly deems the fish as prehistoric, and comes to the conclusion that “we have a major problem.” While not writing off these characters completely, I wondered at why the movie was bothering to explain the existence of these fish. The movie is basically an excuse to collect a couple hundred over-sexed teens, put them in the water, and then let all hell break loose, but oh well, you can’t blame them for trying.

[Spoilers] It’s not too long before the fish attack, first finding the research team, then Jake and Derek’s boat, and it’s not to long before all of the partygoers themselves fall by the dozen to the murderous fish. For those who like gore, let me stress that you will LOVE these scenes, illustrated in all the CGI wonder you could hope for. If you are faint of heart, you may want to skip this one, but unless you are an ardent fan of horror movies, it’s doubtful you’d get this far into the movie anyways. [End Spoilers].

Without going into detail, suffice it to say that a lot of people die, and none in nice, merciful ways. The sheriff (Ving Rhames) begins to shoot the fish from the shore with a shotgun, and one has to wonder why he doesn’t use it to shoot the poor, suffering spring-breakers as they are disfigured, chewed alive, and left for dead in ways no one would want to imagine. His fate I will leave up to the imagination, but to put it mildly he goes down in a blaze of glory.

The movie ends much the way it began, in a clichéd attempt by Jake’s mother to rescue her son, Kelly, and Jake’s brother and sister who have of course, found a way to end up on the boat with him and Kelly that is now sinking. (Think “Jaws 2.” In fact, we even get a scene with Shue crossing from one boat to the next, dangling off a rope in exactly the same fashion as Chief Brody in that film). There is more carnage, more suspense, and, I have to admit, an ending, that while clichéd, will doubtless please anyone who has made the commitment to stay on for this long into “Piranha 3D”.

Even a B movie, straight-to-video rental deserves to have its integrity preserved, and we will not spoil the ending to add any more details. There is humor, there is gore, and yes, there is the proverbial cliffhanger. Will the mother rescue her children? Will Jake and Kelly hook up? Will his brother and sister learn their lesson and do as they are told? There questions and more await the viewer, and honestly, you’ll be pleased with the result.

I’ll be honest–renting this movie was an accident. We were trying to rent “I Spit On Your Grave,” but it was out (and honestly, given Roger Ebert’s review of this film, we were probably better off with “Piranha”), and this was what we ended up with. The movie is predictable and loving, gory and unforgivable  You won’t walk away thinking you’ve seen “Gone With The Wind” or “The King’s Speech, but more than likely that’s not what you were looking for. “Piranha 3D” is better than others in its genre, namely “Shark Attack 3: Megaladon,” or “Komodo” and it doubtful you will be disappointed. It has all the fun of a horror movie and a beach party wrapped into one convenient blanket. Rent it with someone, get a bowl of popcorn, and be prepared to be in for a hell of a ride.

Whew, we really beat up on that one!

– by Mark Ziobro