‘Hatchet’ Review: Gore and Little Else, but a Fun Time if That’s What You’re After

“Hatchet,” released in 2006, focuses on a deformed killer named Victor Crowley (no, not from the Black Sabbath song) who, after a tragic death, targets anyone who comes to his New Orleans swamp. The story is scant. It takes his legend from “The Burning” and similar films to set up a massive amount of slasher kills later. At its helm—playing Crowley—is stuntman/Jason Voorhees actor Kane Hodder, which likely drew horror lovers to the film. It’s a genre picture through-and-through (as evidenced by its 5.7/10 on IMDb in lieu of the lower grade it likely deserved). It has very little in the acting or story department, but features an abundance of gory kills. If that’s your thing, this should be right up your alley. 

“Hatchet” is written and directed by Adam Green, known for the 2010 horror film “Frozen” as well as the 2017 “Friday the 13th” video-game. And while “Frozen” was described by critic Matt DeCristo as “harrowing” it’s doubtful “Hatchet” will be seen that way. The film starts in New Orleans during Mardi Gras, following a group of college students there to party. The opening is distracting, overlaying the enormous Mardi Gras crowds with rock music from the 2000s I found jarring. But we grow to like some of the kids, mostly Marcus (Deon Richmond) and Ben (Joel David Moore), the latter positioned as the moral center of the film. Ben’s recently been dumped by his girlfriend and his friends think helping him look at naked girls on Bourbon Street will help him get over it. But all he wants to do is get lost in the crowd and go on a haunted swamp tour, which sets up the rest of the movie.  

Cameos Aplenty

The film has a few crowd-pleasing cameos. The opening features two luckless men on a boat trying to hunt ‘gators (is this a thing?). The son is played by Josh Leonard of “Blair Witch” fame and the father by horror alum Robert Englund. Their banter fits right at home in this type of film. It’s not long before they meet the fabled Victor Crowley and are introduced to his prowess. It’s also here we see the massive amounts of might and gore that Crowley brings to his kills. The film had a budget of $1.5M (per IMDb) and most of that likely went to its practical special effects. Damien Leone would be proud. The opening also features a comical appearance by “Candyman” actor Tony Todd, which I found entertaining. 

The better parts of “Hatchet” are its atmosphere and set-up, which can be creepy at times. A tour boat through the nighttime swamps around New Orleans—alight with natural swamp lights (aka will-o’-the-wisps, a natural phenomenon)—add to its creepy air. “Hatchet’s” swamp scenes were filmed in Sable Ranch, California, but it’s easy to get lost in the scenery and feel you’re deep in the Everglades. The voodoo lore of New Orleans and haunted stories from the tour guide (Parry Shen) add to the film’s creepiness. 

A Maniac with a Hatchet

Regrettably, the acting of most of the players involved (aside Richmond, Parry, and Moore) leaves much to be desired. Among the tourists on the boat tour are: a pair of wannabe actresses at each other’s throats, their “producer,” who is a skeezeball looking to use his camera to get laid, a husband and wife in later middle age, and a sullen woman who keeps to herself and offers one-word answers. Of note, the husband of the retired thrill-seekers is played by Richard Riehle of “Office Space” fame. I kept wishing he’d pull out his ‘jump to conclusions mat’ for most of the film. But for the most part the players (especially the two aspiring actresses) insult the tour guide (who is bad at his job) or bicker with each other. “Hatchet” is an independent film. It’s a purposeful B-movie with gore aplenty. But it wouldn’t have hurt to put a little more something into the dialogue department. 

However, the point of “Hatchet” is the gore, and in that department it doesn’t disappoint. Victor Crowley himself is a grotesque mutant-looking thing, and the sfx and makeup team did a good job with him. His backstory is basically a copycat of the “Cropsey” maniac from “The Burning,” but with a hatchet wound buried in his forehead, he stands out as more monster than man. However, as a quick aside, the love and commitment with which his father (also played by Kane Hodder) dotes on him at the beginning of the film was touching, although it felt a little out of place here. 

If You’re Looking for Gore, ‘Hatchet’ Has You Covered

The body count is rather large, and features an abundance of murders that push—or break—the envelope of believability. And that’s okay. People watch these films to be entertained. There’s never really a moment of “Hatchet” where you feel you’re watching an authentic attempt at horror but a gore-fest. Crowley hacks people up with his hatchet to the point they’re barely recognizable, although he’s so inhumanely strong as to render the hatchet unnecessary. He rips people in half, pulls their spinal columns out, rips their arms off like a “Mortal Kombat” fatality, etc. In once crowd-pleasing scene, Crowley beats someone against a tree a la Jason from the “Friday the 13th” series. And all along, the mysterious quiet woman (Amara Zaragoza) from the boat we learn is the daughter of the father/son duo who went missing in the opening and is looking for her family. 

It’s almost impossible to critique “Hatchet” from a cinematic standpoint. This movie is made for genre fans who love gore and kills. The acting is patchy, the character development aside Joel David Moore is non-existent, and the cinematography I found distracting. I watched it on streaming, but the grainy film and laggy motion capture made it feel like a home video rather than a studio production. But at the end of the day, if you’re looking for a gore-fest this Halloween, “Hatchet” will likely entertain you. If you’re looking for something with great atmosphere, tension, and acting, you’d probably be better looking elsewhere.