Review: ‘The Old Guard’ a Promising Premise that Falters in its Immortal Runtime

In a world where everyone is trying to make a cinematic universe, “The Old Guard” seems more concerned about making a franchise than creating an engaging story. With over a two hour runtime, most of this Netflix immortal superhero action flick is just filler, characters having needless fights and arguments that seems straight out of a CW show. Although the premise is interesting, and the first 30 minutes had me intrigued, the tedious plot was as generic and lazy as could be.

“The Old Guard” follows Andromache of Scythia, or Andy (Charlize Theron), and her band of immortal soldiers that have been living for thousands of years. They have the ability to heal from every wound and never age. After getting hired by Copley (Chiwetel Ejiofor) to save some kidnapped kids in South Sudan, it turns out it was a trap. There were no kidnapped kids, and a group of mercenaries shot them all to death. This is where we get the first hint of their abilities. The soldiers slowly stand up and bullets pop out of their bodies, as if it was nothing. They easily defeat the mercs, but not before Copley records the whole thing. He now has proof of their abilities.

Copley is actually working for billionaire CEO Merrick, played by Harry Melling, who was actually Dudley in the “Harry Potter” Series. Merrick wants to know the secret to their immortality in order to lengthen people’s lives, in hopes to turn a profit. Once Merrick sees the footage, he pulls out all the stops to capture the soldiers for testing. Meanwhile, a Marine seemingly killed in action named Nile (Kiki Layne) comes back to life without a scratch. Once the soldiers get word that there’s another one of them, they hunt her down and she joins them as they run from Merrick. 

The first 30 minutes of “The Old Guard” had me hooked, I’ll admit. The scene where they fought the mercs was a spectacular fight scene, bordering on the action you might see in “Kingsman: The Secret Service” or “John Wick.” Not surprising that Charlize Theron kicks some major ass. (How many bad-ass heroines can she portray??) Easily the best part of “The Old Guard” is the action. The problem is, there barely is any of it. 

Another redeeming factor of “The Old Guard” are its flashback scenes. These scenes are set hundreds or thousands of years ago, with the soldiers fighting in ancient wars and surviving the Salem Witch Trials. Perhaps if the movie focused on that aspect of the plot instead of the army in the modern day, it would have been a stronger one. Unfortunately, the present day plot is so dull that it makes me wonder why I even bothered to watch it. 

The thing that really makes “The Old Guard” a let-down is the dialogue. Charlize Theron, who usually is a very talented actress, spits out lines that are so cringey and cliché it’s almost as if the writers tried to make it as stilted as possible. Chiwetel Ejiofor, known for his roles in “Doctor Strange” and “12 Years a Slave” does a performance with barely any emotion. It’s obvious that he was eager for the movie to end as well. Kiki Layne does a pretty good job, despite the horrible dialogue. Harry Melling, who has proven himself to be a good actor in “The Ballad of Buster Scrubbs,” is one of the most forgettable villains out there. The part of the evil billionaire CEO has been done before, and much better for that matter. Overall, the characters and dialogue just seemed outright lazy. The soundtrack is atrocious. They’ll be in the middle of a high-stakes, brutal fight, when all of a sudden a summer techno-pop song will come on. It destroys the entire mood, and leaves a bad taste in the mouth of the viewers. 

Other than that, there’s not much more else to say. “The Old Guard” is a boring, overlong, lazy piece of work. Although it has its moments, and the premise of immortal soldiers is very interesting, it seemed to just go in all the wrong directions. If they allowed us to see the backstory of the characters and weren’t so focused on a sequel, perhaps it would have worked out. But alas, “The Old Guard” has proved to be yet another one of the endless crappy Netflix movies.